Beat on the pope of the child or not. Is it possible to raise a child without a belt? — Ludmila Petranovskaya

Why do many parents actively use physical influence on their own children? The reasons behind this phenomenon are quite deep. But physical punishment, as extremely harmful, can be replaced by much more effective and humane alternatives.

Some claim that "it is necessary to spank a child until it grows up". And this is a tribute to tradition. Indeed, in Rus', birch rods were an integral element of education. But today everything has changed, and physical punishments are equated with medieval executions. True, for many this question is important and remains open.

Key reasons for the use of physical punishment in the educational process

A huge number of parents use force in raising children and do not think about what consequences this can provoke. It is customary for them to fulfill their parental duty, generously giving children slaps on the back of the head. Moreover, in order to maintain discipline, an object of intimidation is often hung in a conspicuous place - a belt, etc.

What are the reasons for such furious medieval cruelty among modern moms and dads? There are several reasons:

hereditary causes. Most often, parents take out their own childhood grievances already on their child. Moreover, such a father or mother usually does not realize that there is an upbringing without violence. Their confidence that the slap fixes the spoken educational words in the child is unshakable;
Lack of desire, as well as time for raising a baby, holding lengthy conversations, explaining his wrong. After all, it is much faster and easier to hit a child than to sit down with him and talk about his misdeeds, help him understand his own wrong;
Lack of even basic knowledge about the process of raising children. Parents pick up the belt only out of hopelessness and ignorance of how to cope with the "little monster";
Taking out resentment and anger for one's own failures, previous and current. Often parents beat their own child only because there is no one else to break loose on. The salary is meager, the boss is cruel, the wife does not obey, and then there is a mischievous child spinning underfoot. And the parent gives the ass for it. Moreover, the louder the child cries and the more he is afraid of his father, the more he will come off on the child for his own problems and failures. After all, a person needs at least in front of someone to feel his own power and authority. And the worst thing is when there is no one to intercede for a child;
Mental disorders. There are also such parents who simply need to scream, beat the child, arrange a showdown without visible reasons. Further, the parent reaches the required condition, presses the baby to him and cries with him. Such mothers and fathers need the help of a doctor.

What is physical punishment?

Specialists refer to physical punishment not only the direct use of brute force in order to influence the child. In addition to belts, towels, and slippers, and cuffs, and punishment in the corner, and pulling hands and sleeves, and ignoring, and force-feeding or not feeding, etc. are used. But in any case, one goal is pursued - to hurt, to demonstrate power over the child, to show him his place.

Statistics: most often, children under 4 years of age are subjected to physical punishment, since they still cannot hide, defend themselves or be indignant at the question: “For what?”

Physical influences provoke a new wave of disobedience of the child, which, in turn, leads to a new surge of parental aggression. Thus, there is a so-called cycle of domestic violence.

Consequences of physical punishment. Is it okay to hit a child?

Are there benefits to physical punishment? Of course not. The statements that the carrot has no effect without the whip and that a light spanking is useful in some situations are false.

After all, any physical punishment turns into consequences:

Fear of a parent on whom the child is directly dependent (and at the same time loves). This fear develops over time into a neurosis;
Against the background of such a neurosis, it is difficult for a child to adapt to society, find friends, and later - the second half. It affects the career as well;
Children brought up by such methods have extremely low self-esteem. The child remembers “the right of the strong” for the rest of his life. Moreover, he will use this right at the first opportunity himself;
Regular spanking affects the psyche, causing developmental delays;
Children who constantly concentrate on waiting for punishment from their parents are unable to concentrate on lessons or games with other children;
In 90% of cases, a child beaten by parents will do the same with their own children;
Over 90% of abusers were subjected to parental abuse in childhood. Probably no one wants to raise a maniac or a masochist;
A regularly punished child loses a sense of reality, stops solving pressing problems, stops learning, experiences constant anger and fear, as well as a desire for revenge;
With each stroke, the child moves away from the parent. The natural bond between parents and children is broken. There will be no mutual understanding in a family with violence. Growing up, the child will bring many problems to tyrant parents. And in old age, an unenviable fate awaits parents;
A punished and humiliated child is extremely lonely. He feels broken, forgotten, thrown to the sidelines of life and unnecessary to anyone. In such states, children are capable of doing stupid things such as going into bad company, smoking, drugs, or even suicide;
Having entered the courage, parents often lose control over themselves. As a result, a child who has fallen under a hot hand runs the risk of injury, sometimes incompatible with life, if, after a cuff from a parent, he falls and hits a sharp object.

Children cannot be beaten. There are viable alternatives

It must be remembered that physical punishment is a weakness, not a strength of the parents, a manifestation of his insolvency. And excuses like “he doesn’t understand differently” remain just excuses. In any case, there is an alternative to physical violence. For this:

You should distract the child, switch attention to something interesting.
Engage your baby in an activity in which he will not want to be naughty and capricious.
Hug the baby and convince him of your love. After that, you can spend at least a couple of hours of your own “precious” time with your baby. After all, the child does not have enough attention ( We also read: ).
Come up with new games. For example, you can collect scattered toys in two large boxes, who is the first. The reward can be a good bedtime story from dad or mom. And it will work better than a slap or a cuff.
Use loyal methods of punishment (deprivation of a laptop, TV, going for a walk, etc.).

READ ALSO:

To hit or not to hit? The story of a condemned mother -
8 loyal ways to punish children. How to properly punish a child for disobedience -
7 gross mistakes of parents during quarrels with children -
How not to punish a child
Is it necessary to punish a child at 3 years old: the opinion of parents and a psychologist -

It is important to learn how to get along with the child without punishment. There are a lot of methods for that. There would be a desire, but you can always find an alternative. It is important for any parent to understand that children should not be beaten under any circumstances!

Why you shouldn't hit kids. Parental self-control and physical punishment

Opinions of moms from the forums

Olga: My opinion is that it is very strictly impossible. Because we begin to drive into a rigid framework, and when we are not around, the children will begin to come off to the fullest. Remember for yourself, you always begin to want even more what you can’t or don’t have. And we ourselves can not always fall asleep, even if we really want to. To beat or not to beat?? I am against beating, although I sometimes spank myself. Then I scold myself. I think raising a hand to a child, it’s just that we can’t cope with our emotions. You can just come up with a punishment. We have a corner. The little one terribly does not like to stand there, roars ... But we have an agreement with him if he is put there, until he calms down, I will not come up to talk to him. And it stays until it cools down. The most difficult thing is probably to find a punishment, because one method does not work for everyone.

Zanon2: not to beat but to punish! agree. but no beat!

Beloslav: I also spank sometimes, then I myself think I broke down again, you can’t beat ... I try to change the subject altogether if the psychos attacked, usually it’s before daytime sleep it happens, but most of all it depresses me that a child, when he is naughty and I swear, says “beat” .. he doesn’t speak phrases yet. I explain that I love him and don’t want to beat him and won’t. I try to restrain myself now, like forget became ... And our dad also thinks that it is necessary to beat him ... and you can’t convince him in any way .. he was beaten as a child ...

Natalinka15: Yes, it’s a difficult topic, I try not to shout, but I don’t accept hitting a child at all, I try to negotiate. If it’s not possible to calmly agree, then for some time I leave my daughter alone and just turn around and leave. Sometimes she reacts differently, sometimes she immediately calms down and sometimes not. But when I leave, we both have time to think and calm down. In principle, it always works out, then solve everything amicably and we put up.

Palms_toward_the Sun: that's what I thought about ... why do we, adults and parents, allow ourselves to hit our child, if he leads out, acts as an irritant, if you can’t agree with him ... and why don’t we spank adults who are completely unrelated to us? ..... after all, those they can also annoy, offend ... after all, we will think a hundred times before punching our opponent in the face. Also? we are afraid to act as an aggressor, we want to look civilized, intelligent and tolerant, to translate the conflict into diplomacy. what about children then it does not work for some?

We also read: How to raise children: with a stick or a carrot? —

You can often see an outraged mother on the street spanking a roaring baby on the ass. This common method of education is firmly rooted in our society and is considered a necessary measure of influence on a naughty child. Is it possible to hit a child on the pope, and what do psychologists say about it?

As soon as the little one begins to move independently on legs, he is inevitably exposed to educational influence from adults. "Do not go there! Do not take any in your hands! Get away from the TV!” - the whole day the baby does something wrong. What are educational interventions?

Throughout its history of development, mankind has formed three educational methods:

authoritarian;
democratic;
mixed.

In the first case, the baby is subjected to training or drill: he must accurately follow all the orders of adults, otherwise he will be punished. The kid gets used to a similar educational style. Well, if it is not accompanied by physical suggestions.

The democratic method involves communication with the little one, gives him the right to express his opinion and defend his position. Parents are ready for this style of communication, who do not spare their efforts in the educational process and wish to form a complete personality with a sense of human dignity from the crumbs.

With a mixed style, there is a "stick and carrot" in accordance with the circumstances. Where it is necessary - they screwed the nuts, where it is necessary - they let go. Basically, “nuts are tightened” by mood: when mom / dad is too lazy to explain the truth.

Dangerous Methods

“I was beaten as a child, so what?” - this is how modern mothers argue, justifying their blossoming nerves. Everyone was taught at school that offending little ones is unworthy and cruel: they cannot respond to aggression. Everyone was taught that “they don’t beat the lying down”. So why don't these rules apply to your own children? Maybe because the baby is considered property?

First, it hurts. Second, it's embarrassing. Thirdly, it generates aggression in response. Then the parents wonder why their adult son is so cruel! Another extreme of this method can be the child's lack of confidence in his abilities and capabilities: the baby will be afraid to reveal his potential. So is it okay to hit a child? Categorically: you can't. This is violence.

Violence can result in:

injury to the child's body;
mental trauma;
accumulation of aggression;
desire to go against;
desire for revenge.

This set of character traits is formed imperceptibly and is like a time bomb. Fear of punishment (especially when they hit the priest with a belt from “good intentions”) negatively affects not only the psyche, but also the metabolic processes of the body:

with a feeling of resentment, the throat contracts;
the excretory system suffers from fear.

Remember your feelings during nervous experiences: either uncontrollable hunger attacks, or you don’t feel like eating at all. The child feels the same! With a strong sense of fear, the baby can poop in panties or crap one's pants - this will further aggravate the unpleasant situation. Is it necessary to apply such educational measures?

Advice. If your hands open and you want to hit the baby on the ass, you need to put yourself in his place. Pleasant little.

But the most unpleasant is yet to come: some kids can suffer from enuresis from hitting a belt or a hand on the pope! Do you need a wet bed in the morning for educational purposes? A strong blow to the pope shakes the whole body of the baby and hits the kidneys. Here's an explanation for why you shouldn't beat children. But parents do not want to think about this in educational excitement.

Why is the baby not listening?

Psychologists have identified several reasons for children's disobedience. These include:

struggle for self-assertion;
way to get attention
desire to contradict;
feeling of insecurity;
inconsistency in education;
excessive demands on the baby.

The feeling of uniqueness is inherent in all people, however, over time it can disappear. By the year, the baby is aware of himself as a person who has his own opinion and position. It is adults who perceive him as a baby, but not himself! Many children's whims and misunderstandings take roots from here.

If the little one does not have enough attention, he finds a way to influence adults - disobedience. A very efficient way! Doing the opposite is also one of the ways the baby influences the parents. The reasons for this behavior may be resentment or lack of attention from parents.

The feeling of self-doubt arises on the basis of the constant jerking of the baby and the irritation of the parents for the slightest reason. The little man is simply trying to defend himself and ceases to perceive the constant pulling from the mother, is abstracted.

Unsystematic upbringing is obtained when the crumbs have a lot of educators - mothers with fathers, grandmothers with grandfathers, uncles with aunts. Each of the educators has their own ideas about the right upbringing, which may contradict the ideas of other family members. This style can be called “swan, crayfish and pike”. The kid simply does not know what to do: some praise him, others punish him.

Some parents make the little man simply impossible demands. This usually happens with authoritarian parents who elevate their word and power to the absolute. No one listens to the child, no one is interested in his condition - they only demand. If the requirement is not met, punishment follows. Being in such an atmosphere is extremely difficult even for adults, not to mention children.

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What to do with a naughty baby?

Japanese tradition forbids scolding and punishing children under the age of five. This time is considered sacred, the child should not be touched for educational purposes. How to be, and is it possible to spank a child if he does not understand the words? In this situation it is better to do this:

switch the attention of the little one to another object;
take him away from the place where he indulges and does not obey;
try to negotiate.

Many parents, and even psychologists, advise in case of inappropriate behavior of the baby, it is easy to hit the pope with the palm of your hand. Does it need to be done? Moms motivate their right to hit like this: out of surprise, the baby forgets about his pranks and begins to perceive educational information better. Maybe this is rational. But the consequences of such an approach will be negative: over time.

How to replace a slap on the pope? As a last resort, you can:

shout at the baby
grab him by the hand.

Remember that only parents have the right to yell at a child or pull his hand. Don't let caregivers kindergarten to treat the baby rudely: they have no right to do so. Moreover, spank on the pope or on the back! If you learn about this from a toddler, put the question point-blank at a meeting or in the manager's office. The baby should feel the protection of his parents.

How else can you punish a little naughty? It is allowed to isolate the baby: put it in a corner for a short time or close it in your room. You can deprive a walk to the playground or not give sweets.

Important! You can not intimidate small children with babayki and wolves! Some sensitive babies may get a lot of stress due to their fear of monsters.

obedient children

What kind of children are obedient? Psychologists are sure that absolute obedience is unnatural for a normal, cheerful child who is in good health. Children are completely obedient.

with a phlegmatic character;
with congenital diseases;
with weak immunity;
afraid of punishment.

Phlegmatic by nature, children do not interfere with anyone, do not create problems and do not distract adults “on trifles”. Such children do not need to be beaten with a belt and spanked on the bottom - they do not set a precedent. However, with this type of character, it will be difficult for a baby to adapt in a society where most people are sanguine or choleric.

Children who are naturally sick are also “obedient”: they do not have a source of additional energy for curiosity, which causes displeasure of parents. The fact that for the baby is the process of learning the world - causes criticism or anger of parents. “Don't go to the outlet! Who did you tell?” Mom screams. Do you think the baby will listen? All the same, it will climb, and then it will get hit in the pope with a belt or hand. Curiosity is one of the causes of disobedience.

He was beaten with a belt many times and left a deep wound in his soul with such methods of education. This is just an ideal child: he does not complain about anything, does not ask for anything, does not annoy adults. But how difficult it will be for him in life, mom and dad do not even guess! It will be an adult with a full range of phobias and complexes.

Results

Let's see why parents resort to child abuse? Do they have the right to do so? Theoretically, they have: the baby is completely at the mercy of adults. Dependent position and gives parents the right to go too far for educational purposes at any time. However, this is just an excuse for their pedagogical incompetence: mothers do not want to waste their energy on persuading the baby. The simplest and easy way- hit the pope with a swing.

The educational process is never smooth and takes a lot of mental energy from adults. However, it is important to show patience and understanding towards the little man. Why shouldn't children be beaten? Physical impact:

damages health;
cripples the psyche;
provokes retaliatory aggression;
generates feelings of anger.

Many babies withdraw into themselves and try to distance themselves from the endless stream of complaints. Over time, you can get an uncontrollable teenager, embittered and cruel. It is better not to use physical force for educational reasons.

Why can we still physically punish children? How do physical punishments differ in different family models, with different relationships between parents and a child? What about those who accept this method of punishment, but want to stop? This is told by the teacher - psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya.

Consciously, not at the moment of a nervous breakdown, but for the purpose of "education", a parent can beat his child if he lacks empathy, the ability to directly perceive the feelings of another person, empathize with him.

If a parent empathically perceives a child, he simply will not be able to consciously and systematically inflict pain on him, whether psychological or physical. He can break loose, slap in annoyance, pull painfully and even hit in a life-threatening situation - he can. But he will not be able to decide in advance, and then take the belt and “educate”. Because when a child is hurt and scared, the parent feels directly and immediately, with his whole being.

A parent’s refusal to empathize (and spanking is impossible without such a refusal) most likely leads to a child’s lack of empathy, to the fact that, for example, when he becomes older, he can go out for a walk at night, and then he will be sincerely surprised why everyone is so alarmed.

That is, by forcing a child to experience pain and fear, strong and coarse feelings, we do not leave any chance for subtle feelings - repentance, compassion, regret, awareness of how dear you are.

As for the question of punishments, I will give excerpts from my book: “ How are you behaving? 10 Steps to Overcome Difficult Behavior»:

“Often parents ask the question: is it possible to punish children and how? But that's the problem with punishments. In adult life, there are practically no punishments, except for the sphere of criminal and administrative law and communication with the traffic police. There is no one who would punish us, "to know", "so that this does not happen again in the future."

Everything is much easier. If we don't work well, we will be fired and someone else will take our place. To punish us? In no case. Just to make things better. If we are boorish and selfish, we will not have friends. As a punishment? No, of course not, people just prefer to communicate with more pleasant personalities. If we smoke, lie on the couch and eat chips, our health will deteriorate. This is not a punishment, just a natural consequence. If we do not know how to love and care, build relationships, our spouse will leave us - not as a punishment, but simply he will get bored. The big world is built not on the principle of punishments and rewards, but on the principle of natural consequences. What you sow is what you reap - and the task of an adult is to calculate the consequences and make decisions.

If we raise a child with rewards and punishments, we are doing him a disservice by misleading him about the way the world works. After 18, no one will carefully punish him and guide him on the true path (in fact, even the original meaning of the word “punish” is to give instructions on how to do the right thing). Everyone will just live, pursue their goals, do what they need or please them personally. And if he is used to being guided in his behavior only by “carrot and stick”, you will not envy him.

The non-occurrence of natural consequences is one of the reasons why children, graduates of orphanages, are not adapted to life. Now it is fashionable to arrange "preparation rooms for independent living" in institutions for orphans. There is a kitchen, a stove, a table, everything is like in an apartment.

They proudly show me: “But here we invite older girls, and they can cook dinner for themselves.” My question arises: “And if they don’t want to? Lazy, forget? Will they be left without supper that day?” “Well, what are you, how can you, they are children, we can’t do this, the doctor won’t allow it.” Such is the preparation for independent living. It is clear that profanity.

The point is not to learn how to cook soup or pasta, the point is to understand the truth: there, in big world as you stomp, so you pop. If you don't take care of yourself, no one else will. But children are carefully guarded against this important truth. Then in one fell swoop to put in this very world - and then, as you know ...

That is why it is very important, whenever possible, to use the natural consequences of actions instead of punishment. Lost, broke an expensive thing - it means no more. Stole and spent other people's money - you have to work it out. I forgot that I was asked to draw a picture, I remembered at the last moment - I would have to draw instead of a cartoon before going to bed. He threw a tantrum on the street - the walk was stopped, we go home, what a walk now.

It would seem that everything is simple, but for some reason parents almost never use this mechanism. A mother is complaining that her teenage daughter has already had her fourth mobile phone stolen. The girl slips it into the back pocket of her jeans and rides the subway. They talked, explained, even punished. And she says that she "forgot and stuck it again." It happens, of course.

But I ask my mother one simple question: “How much is that phone that Sveta has now?” “Ten thousand,” my mother answers, “bought two weeks ago.” I can’t believe my ears: “How, she has already lost four, and you are buying her such an expensive phone again?” “Well, what about, because she needs to have a camera, and music, and a modern one. Only, I'm afraid, he will lose again.

Who would have doubted! Naturally, in this situation, the child will not change his behavior - after all, there are no consequences! They scold him, but they regularly buy a new expensive mobile phone. If the parents had refused to buy a new phone or bought the cheapest, or even better - a used one, and agreed on the period during which it should survive so that they could start talking about a new one at all, then Sveta would somehow learn to “not forget” .

But it seemed to them too harsh - after all, a girl needs to be no worse than others! And they preferred to get upset, quarrel, lament, but did not give their daughter any chance to change her behavior.

Feel free to take unusual actions. One mother of many children said that, tired of children squabbling over who should wash the dishes, she simply broke one by one all yesterday's dishes dumped in the sink. Eccentric, yes. But this is also a kind of natural consequence - you can bring your neighbor, and then he will behave unpredictably. Dishes have been washed well ever since.

Another family sat with the whole staff for a week on pasta and potatoes - they gave away the money that was dragged away by the child at a party. Moreover, the family observed their “diet” not with suffering faces, but encouraging each other, cheerfully, overcoming a common misfortune. And how happy everyone was when, at the end of the week, the required amount was collected and given with apologies, and there was even money left for a watermelon! There were no more cases of theft in their child.

Pay attention: none of these parents read morals, did not punish, did not threaten. They simply reacted like living people, solving a common family problem as best they could.

It is clear that there are situations when we cannot allow the consequences to come, for example, we cannot let a child fall out of a window and see what happens. But, you see, such cases are a clear minority.

Relationship Models

It seems to me that between a parent and a child there is always some kind of unspoken agreement about who they are to each other, what their relationship is like, how they deal with their feelings and each other. There are several models of these contracts, in each of which the topic of physical punishment sounds completely different.

The model is traditional, natural, attachment model.

A parent for a child is first and foremost a source of protection. He is always there in the first years of life. If it is necessary for the child not to allow something, the mother literally stops him - with her hands, without reading notations. There is a deep, intuitive, almost telepathic connection between the child and the mother, which greatly simplifies mutual understanding and makes the child obedient.

Physical violence can only take place as spontaneous, momentary, with the aim of instantly stopping a dangerous action - for example, abruptly pulling away from the edge of a cliff or in order to accelerate emotional discharge.

At the same time, there are no special worries about children, and if it is required, for example, for learning skills or for observing rituals, they can be subjected to quite cruel treatment, but this is not a punishment in any way, but even vice versa sometimes. Children are adapted to life, not too finely developed, but on the whole they are prosperous and strong.

The disciplinary model, the model of submission, "keeping in check", "education"

The child is the problem here. If he is not educated, he will be full of sins and vices. He must know his place, he must obey, his will must be humbled, including through physical punishment.

This approach sounded very brightly from the philosopher Locke, he describes with approval a certain mother who 18 (!!!) times in one day whipped a two-year-old baby who was capricious and stubborn after she was taken away from the nurse. Such a wonderful mother who showed perseverance and subdued the will of the child. He does not feel any attachment to her, and does not understand with what fright he should obey this strange aunt.

The emergence of this model is largely associated with urbanization, because a child in a city becomes a burden and a problem, and naturally it is simply impossible to raise him. Curiously, even families that did not have the vital need to keep children in a black body accepted this model. Here, in the recent film The King's Speech, it is casually reported how the crown prince suffered from malnutrition, because the nanny did not love him and did not feed him, and his parents noticed this only after three years.

Naturally, while not implying affection, this model does not imply any emotional closeness between children and parents, any empathy, trust. Only submission and obedience on the one hand and strict care, guidance and maintenance of a living wage on the other. In this model, physical punishment is absolutely necessary, systematic, regular, often very cruel, and necessarily accompanied by elements of humiliation to emphasize the idea of submission.

Children are often victimized and intimidated or identified with the aggressor. Hence - statements in the spirit: "I was beaten, so I grew up as a man, then I will beat." But in the presence of other resources, such children grow up and live, not only in contact with their feelings, but more or less able to get along with them.

Model "liberal", "parental love"

New and not well-established, arising from the denial of the cruelty and soulless coldness of the disciplinary model, and also due to the decrease in child mortality, the fall in the birth rate and the sharply increased “price of a child”. Contains ideas from the series "the child is always right, the children are pure and beautiful, learn from the children, you need to negotiate with the children" and so on. At the same time, with cruelty, he denies the very idea of \u200b\u200bthe family hierarchy and the power of an adult over a child.

Provides trust, intimacy, attention to feelings, condemnation of explicit (physical) violence. The child needs to be “engaged”, it is necessary to play with him and “speak heart to heart”.

At the same time, in the absence of conditions for the normal formation of attachment and in the absence of a healthy attachment program for the parents themselves (and where does it come from if they were brought up in fear and without empathy?), children do not receive a sense of security, cannot be dependent and obedient, and it is vitally important for them, especially in the first years, and even then. Not feeling behind the adult, like behind a stone wall, the child begins to try to become the leader himself, rebels, and worries.

Parents are experiencing acute disappointment: instead of a "beautiful child" they got an evil and unfortunate monster. They break loose, beat, and not intentionally, but in a fit of rage and despair, then they bite themselves for it. And they are seriously angry with the child: after all, he “should understand how I feel.”

Some discover the magical possibilities of emotional abuse and take it by the throat with blackmail and guilt: "Children, ungrateful creatures, wipe their feet on their parents, want nothing, value nothing." Everyone in unison scolds liberal ideas and Dr. Spock, who has nothing to do with it at all, and remembers where the belt is.

Now, within the disciplinary model, physical abuse didn't hurt very much, if it didn't become outrageous, because that was the deal. No feelings, as we remember, no empathy. The child does not expect this. It hurts, endure. If possible, hides misconduct. And he himself treats the parent as a force to be reckoned with, without much warmth and tenderness.

When it became accepted to love children and it was required that they love in return, when parents began to give signs to children that their feelings are important, everything changed, this is a different contract. And if, within the framework of this agreement, the child suddenly begins to be beaten with a belt, he loses all orientation. Hence the phenomenon when sometimes a person who was brutally flogged all childhood does not feel badly injured, and someone who was not so badly beaten once in his life or was just about to remember, suffer and cannot forgive all his life.

The more contact, trust, empathy - the more unthinkable physical punishment. I don’t know if, suddenly, having gone crazy, I started doing something similar with my children, I’m scared to even think about the consequences. Because it would be for them a complete change in the picture of the world, the collapse of the foundations, something that makes them go crazy. And for some other children of other parents, this would be an unpleasant incident, and nothing more.

Therefore, there can be no general recipes about “beat not beat” and about “if you don’t beat, then what then”.

And the task that parents face is to revive the almost lost program for the formation of a healthy attachment. Through the head in many ways to revive, because the natural transmission mechanism is badly damaged. Bit by bit, preserved in many families by a miracle, given our history.

And then a lot of things will be decided on their own, because a child brought up in affection, not only beaten, punished, in general, is not necessary. He is ready and willing to obey. Not always and not in everything, but in general. And when he doesn’t obey, it’s also somehow correct and timely, and with this it’s more or less clear what to do.

What is physical abuse?

Models are models, but now let's look from the other side: what is the very act of physical violence against a child (in many ways, all this is true for non-physical things: insults, shouting, threats, blackmail, ignoring, and so on).

1. Spontaneous reaction to danger. This is when we behave, in fact, at the level of instinct, like animals, in a situation of direct threat to the life of a child. Our neighbors had a big old collie dog. Very kind and smart, she allowed the children to drag her by the ears and climb on horseback, and only smiled understandingly at all this.

And then one day the grandmother was at home alone with her three-year-old grandson, doing something in the kitchen. A baby comes running, roars, shows a hand bitten to the blood, shouts: “She bit me!”. Grandmother is shocked: has the dog gone crazy in her old age? He asks his grandson: “What did you do to her?” In response, she hears: “I didn’t do anything to her, I wanted to look from the balcony, but at first she growled, and then ...” Grandmother went to the balcony, there the window was wide open and a chair was placed. If I climbed in and hung over, - that's it: the fifth floor.

Then the grandmother gave the small one a pope, and she herself sat down to sob in an embrace with the dog. What he understood from this whole story, I do not know, but it is gratifying that he will have another eighty years ahead of him to think, thanks to the fact that the dog has deviated from his principles.

2. An attempt to speed up the discharge. It is a one-time slap or slap. It is usually performed in moments of irritation, haste, fatigue. Normally, the parent himself considers this his weakness, although quite understandable. It does not entail any special consequences for the child if later he has the opportunity to console himself and restore contact.

3. Stereotypical action, “because it is necessary”, “because parents did it”, is required by culture, custom, and the like. inherent in the disciplinary model. It can be of varying degrees of cruelty. Usually, at the same time, they do not delve into the details of the misconduct, the motives of the child's behavior, the formal fact becomes the reason: deuce, damaged clothes, failure to fulfill the order. It occurs more often in people who are emotionally obtuse, incapable of empathy (including due to similar upbringing in childhood). Although sometimes it is simply from the scarcity, so to speak, of the arsenal of influences. Problems with a child, what to do? And tear well.

For a child who is also emotionally obtuse, it is not very traumatic, because it is not perceived as a humiliation. A sensitive child can be very hurt.

In general, we do not know this type very well, because such parents do not turn to psychologists, they do not participate in discussions of the topic, because they do not see the problem and do not think. They have their own truth. It is not very clear how to work with them, because the result is a difficult situation: society and the state suddenly began to consider this unacceptable and are ready to almost take the children away. And people really don’t see why the fuss and say “what will happen to him?”. Often the child himself does not see.

4. The desire to convey their feelings, "so that he finally understands." That is, violence as a statement, as an act of communication, as the last argument. It is accompanied by very strong feelings of the parent, up to an altered state of consciousness “it went dark in my eyes”, “I don’t know what came over me” and so on. Often then the parent regrets, feels guilty, asks for forgiveness. The child too. Sometimes it becomes a "breakthrough" in a relationship. A classic example is described by Makarenko in Pedagogical Poem.

It cannot be imitated, although some try and receive in response the fierce and just hatred of the child in return. Some individuals also then make themselves the main poor things with the text: “Look what you brought mommy to.” But this is a special case, a deformation of the personality according to the hysterical type.

It often happens against the background of overwork, nervous exhaustion, severe anxiety, stress. The consequences depend on whether the parent himself is ready to recognize this as a breakdown or, defending himself from feelings of guilt, begins to justify violence and gives himself an indulgence for violence "since he does not understand the words." Then the child becomes a constant lightning rod for parental negative feelings.

5. The inability of an adult to endure frustration. In this case, frustration becomes a discrepancy between the behavior of the child or the child himself and the expectations of an adult. Often occurs in people who in childhood did not have the experience of security and help in coping with frustration. Especially if they place expectations on the child that he will fill their emotional hunger, become the “perfect child”.

When faced with the fact that the child cannot and / or does not want to, they experience the fury of a three-year-old and do not control themselves. In general, a child is passionately loved, but at the moment of an attack they hate it fiercely, that is, mixed feelings are not given to them, like small children. This is often the behavior of children from orphanages or rejecting parents. Sometimes it's psychopathy.

In fact, this type of violence is very dangerous, because in a fit of rage you can kill. Actually, this is how they usually maim and kill. For a child, it turns into either victimhood and dependence, or persistent rejection from the parent, fear, hatred.

6. Revenge. Not so often, but it happens. I remember there was a French film, it seems, where the father beat his son, as it were, for being reckless in music, but in fact, he took revenge for the fact that his mother died because of the child's prank of the child. These are, of course, dramatic bells and whistles, usually everything is more prosaic. Revenge for being born at the wrong time. That looks like a father who betrayed. What is sick and "life poisons."

The consequences of such behavior are sad. Autoaggression, suicidal behavior of the child. If a parent does not want the child to live so badly, he most often obeys and finds a way. For mommy. For dad. In a milder version, he becomes older and consoles, as in the same film. Less often - hates and moves away.

7. Sadism. That is actually sexual deviation (deviation). This is hardly a new idea, but spanking is very similar symbolically to sexual intercourse. Exposure of certain parts of the body, substitution posture, rhythmic body movements, groans, screams, stress relief. I don’t know if there have been studies on how the tendency to physically punish children (namely, to spank) is related to the degree of a person’s sexual well-being. It seems to me that they are strongly connected. In any case, the most frequent and cruel spankings were observed precisely in those societies and institutions where sexuality was most strictly tabooed or regulated, in the same monastic schools, private schools where non-family people traditionally taught, closed military schools, and so on.

Since, deep down, an adult usually knows perfectly well what the true purpose of his actions is, detailed rationalizations are made. And since you want more and more pleasure, the severity increases more and more, so that there is always a reason to flog. All this is described, for example, in Turgenev's memoirs of childhood with a sadistic mother. So, if someone, foaming at the mouth, proves that it is necessary and correct to beat, and begins to explain exactly how to do it, and with what and how much, as you wish, but my first thought is that he has problems on this very soil.

The most vile option is when the beating is presented to the child not as an act of violence, but as, so to speak, an act of cooperation. They demand that he bring the belt himself, so that he can say “thank you” later. They say: “You understand, this is for your good, I love you and would not want to, I sympathize with you, but you have to.” If the child believes, the system of orientation in the world is distorted for him. He begins to recognize the correctness of what is happening, a deep ambivalence is formed with a complete inability to have normal relationships built on security and trust.

The consequences are different. From masochism and sadism at the level of deviations to participation in rationalizations like "I was flogged - I grew up as a man." Sometimes it leads to the fact that the grown child kills or maims his tormentor. Sometimes it's just a fierce hatred of parents. The last option is the healthiest under these circumstances.

8. Destruction of subjectivity. Described by Pomyalovsky in "Essays of Bursa". The goal is not punishment, not changing behavior, and not always getting pleasure. The goal is to break the will. Make the child completely controllable. The hallmark of such violence is the lack of strategy. Pomyalovsky's children, who spent the whole semester trying to behave and study well and were never punished, were severely flogged at the end precisely because there was "nothing to do." There must be no way to escape.

In a less radical version, presented in the entire disciplinary model, the same Locke literally says: "The will of the child must be broken."

Most often there are points 3 and 4. Less often 5 and 6, the rest is even rarer. In fact, 2, too, I think, often, they just don’t talk about it, because it doesn’t look like a problem and, probably, it isn’t.

In general, according to polls, half of Russians use physical punishment of children. Such is the scale of the problem.

"I don't want to hit!"–what to do?

Today, there are a lot of people who want to fight against “child abuse”, but few people want and can help parents who would like to stop “educating” in this way.

I have immense respect for those parents who, being beaten in childhood, try not to beat their children. Or at least hit less. Because their Inner parent, the one that they inherited from their real parents, believes that it is possible and necessary to beat. And even if, in their right mind and firm memory, they believe that it is better not to do this, as soon as the mind weakens control (fatigue, lack of sleep, fear, despair, strong pressure from outside, for example, from school), the hand "reaches for the belt itself." And it is much more difficult for them to control themselves than for those who do not have this written down in the “program” of parental behavior and nothing is going anywhere. If they still manage to control themselves, that's great. The same applies to shouting, silence, blackmail, and so on.

So, what do parents who want to “tie up” do?

The first is to forbid yourself phrases like "the child got a belt." I especially cringe from "he flew in the ass." This is a language and mental trap. Nobody got anything on their own. And certainly nothing from the universe flew to anyone. It was you who beat him. And under the guise of "humor" you are trying to relieve yourself of responsibility. As someone wrote: "he committed a misdemeanor and got hit on the pope - these are natural consequences." No. This is self-deception. As long as you surrender to it, nothing will change. As soon as you learn to say at least to yourself: “I beat (a) my child,” you will be surprised how much your ability to self-control will grow.

The same goes for phrases like “you can’t do without it anyway.” No need to generalize. Learn to say: "I still can't do without beating." It's honest, accurate, and reassuring.

In that book about difficult behavior that I quoted, the main idea is this: a child, when he does something wrong, usually does not want bad things. He wants something quite understandable: to be good, to be loved, not to have troubles, and so on. Difficult behavior is just a bad way to achieve it.

The same is true for parents. It is very rare that someone WANTS to torment and offend their child. There are exceptions, this is what was discussed in paragraph 8, with reservations - 6 and 7. And this is very rare.

In all other cases, the parent wants something quite good, or at least understandable. For the child to be alive and well, to behave well, not to be nervous, to have control over the situation, not to be ashamed, to be sorry, so that everything is like with people, to discharge, to at least do something.

If you understand in your mind what you really want when you hit, what your deepest need is, then you can figure out how to satisfy this need in a different way.

For example, to rest, so as not to have to discharge.

Or do not pay attention to the assessments of strangers, so as not to be ashamed.

Or remove some dangerous situations and things so that the child is not in danger.

Or something to turn into a game to control the situation fun.

Or tell your child (spouse, girlfriend) about your feelings in order to be heard.

Or undergo psychotherapy to free yourself from the power of your own childhood traumas.

Or change your life so as not to hate the child because it "failed."

The habit of emotional discharge through a child is just a bad habit, a kind of addiction. And you need to effectively deal with it in the same way as with any other bad habit: not “fight with”, but “learn differently”. Not “from now on, never again” - everyone knows what such vows lead to, but “today is at least a little less than yesterday”, or “get along without it for only one day” (then “only one week”, “only one month").

Do not be afraid that not everything works out. To not give up. Feel free to ask and ask for help. Keep in mind the ancient wisdom: "Better one step in the right direction than ten in the wrong direction."

And remember that almost always it's about your own Inner Child, offended, frightened or angry. Remember him and sometimes, instead of raising your real child, take care of the boy or girl that is raging inside. Talk, regret, praise, console, promise that you won’t let anyone offend him anymore.

All this does not happen quickly and not immediately. And on this path, you need to support each other very much for spouses, and acquaintances, and just everyone you consider close.

But, if it turns out, the prize is greater than all the treasures of Ali Baba. The prize in this game is breaking or weakening the pathological chain of transmission of violence from generation to generation. Your children will not have a cruel Inner Parent. An invaluable gift to your grandchildren, great-grandchildren and other descendants up to I don’t know what generation.

Reading time for this article: 11 min.

Is it okay to hit a child with a belt? This question is asked by young parents around the world, and their opinions are often radically different. But what do psychologists, pediatricians and sociologists think about this? After all, the days of public corporal punishment are long gone. In schools, too, there has been no spanking for a long time, and we seem to have stepped into the twenty-first century - an enlightened, democratic and humane century, where any violence is condemned. So is it possible to beat children for educational purposes, or are there other, alternative methods of punishment?

First, let's make a reservation: the concepts of physical punishment are different for everyone, and all of us - parents - are also different. Someone can hit a child once - and consider it enough. Someone can methodically and regularly beat their child and think that this is normal. According to them, this is the process of education.

In addition, it is necessary to distinguish between the strength of the female and male hands. Mom, weaker and at the same time softer, can spank with her hand rather for prevention, symbolically, slightly. And dad, having decided to punish the child with a belt, by negligence can inflict serious physical injury on him, not to mention psychological.

That is why child psychologists around the world unanimously declare loudly: physical punishment is categorically unacceptable ... except for one single circumstance. This circumstance is the life and health of the child.

Yes, yes, if a child puts his fingers into the socket, comes to the edge of the platform at the station, turns off the gas burner on the stove, runs out onto the roadway, and no verbal explanations help, physical impact can be used.

However, even here your intervention should be minimal. We will not hit children with a belt, at most - slap on the pope, pull on the hand, hit lightly on the palms. The emphasis should be on the emotional impact. First shout, then apologize, then calmly explain.

And your slap should not be painful, rather offensive, so that the child remains at a loss. After that, he will soon be ready for dialogue.

Why do kids misbehave?

Many parents are firmly convinced that their children behave badly simply because they want to annoy adults, out of harm, for the sake of entertainment. In fact, children have many other, real reasons to behave differently than their parents want.

The struggle for self-assertion. The child wants to be independent, wants to know the world, make discoveries, celebrate his own victories and lament his own defeats. By depriving your child of such an opportunity, you are depriving him of the opportunity to develop.

A way to get attention. If parents are constantly at work or in business and devote little time to the child, then by an act of disobedience, the baby may try to attract the attention of mom or dad. Just think how hurtful it will be for him if he wanted to spend time with you, and you punish him for it.

Feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem can also be the cause of bad behavior. If parents rebuke the baby for any reason, constantly pointing out the slightest mistakes and faults and trying to educate, the child, defending himself, sooner or later simply abstracts from the remarks and accusations addressed to him.

Inconsistency in upbringing is exclusively parental fault. Perhaps the child simply does not understand why something is impossible, bad or dangerous.

Excessive demands on the baby are also often the cause of disobedience. Therefore, before punishing a child, think: was he able to fulfill your requirements, given his age and physical, intellectual and mental development?

What alternative methods of punishment exist?

Before you grab the belt or raise your hand on the baby, use the many other proven methods:

temporarily deprive the child of communication with you, go to another room, do not respond to his calls and tears;
isolate the child himself, leaving the room without toys, books, TV and other means of entertainment;
use the so-called "credit" system: if something is broken, spilled, spoiled - clean it yourself or fix it;
deprive your child of a trip to an amusement park, dessert for dinner or bedtime stories;
if it does not threaten the life and health of the child, let him do what he wants. Let him eat a spoonful of mustard or salt. Such experiments will discourage him for a long time from disobeying you;
scare the child with an evil wizard, troll or brownie, who will take him away in case of disobedience;
Let the child choose his own punishment.

What to do in case of breakdown

And so we, it seems, decided: it is impossible to beat children. Unless emergency circumstances can force someone to physical impact, and then within strict limits. We found out why children behave badly and found alternative ways to solve problems.

But be prepared. Perhaps sooner or later the child will unbalance you. You will have a bad mood, many other things. Or you will simply be too lazy to explain something to him in detail and calmly, and you will hit him. It will be done in the heat of the moment, and it will only be your fault. Ask your child for forgiveness. It will be right and doubly useful.

First, you will start a dialogue with the child and be able to peacefully resolve the situation. Secondly, you will show him by your own example that everyone can make mistakes. And in order to correct a mistake, you must definitely apologize. The well-known pediatrician, psychologist and journalist Yevgeny Komarovsky, at his open lectures, urges parents not to panic if they hit the child. “Raise your hands, those who were spanked on the pope at least once in childhood!” he asks, and most of the audience raises their hands. “You see! - continues Evgeny Olegovich. “And you all grew up to be healthy, full-fledged individuals!”

At the same time, Dr. Komarovsky is concerned: "If you hit a child, then it is not he who needs to see a psychologist now, but you." No wonder: now in Russia there are very few qualified family psychologists who can be contacted for help if your child is misbehaving and you do not know what to do about it.

With naughty children, parents quickly get tired, become irritable. It is quite logical that sometimes they cannot restrain themselves and vent their aggression and fatigue on children. But still, you need to learn to overcome it.

Conclusion

All of us as parents are imperfect and make mistakes. When choosing a strategy of behavior with your own child, remember: he is also imperfect and will also make mistakes. But your task is not so much to protect him from these mistakes, forcing him to obey and blindly obey your will in everything, but to help him figure it out.

What is good and what is bad, why is it possible and useful, but it is impossible and dangerous? Developing and learning about the world, your baby simply cannot, physically, psychologically and morally, always and in everything be obedient. He must learn to be independent. He must step on the rake himself and learn from this lesson.

Be there, help, explain, build a dialogue. Not a belt, but mutual respect and affection are your tools. And the best physical impact is not spanking, but hugs and kisses. Such tactile contact is much more pleasant and useful.

Read also why it is not always good for the child.

They are divided into those who believe that this is normal and those who believe that beat children- not allowed.

The consequences of physical and psychological abuse for a child are quite serious. As a rule, parents who answer positively to the question " is it okay to hit kids”, themselves experienced physical and psychological abuse in childhood. Now the violence continues against their children.

When parents hit their child, they deprive him of the sense of safety and security he needs to develop properly. In this case, the mental development of the child is significantly hampered.

However, it happens that even parents who know that beat children it is forbidden, however, break down.

Navigation on the article “Why is your own child annoying? Is it okay to hit kids?

1. Danger or weakness

Let's try to see in what situations parents use violence against a child, and what consequences such "education methods" lead to.

Sometimes a parent may hit or slap in a situation where the life and health of the child is in immediate danger. Then a slap or a slap is an uncontrolled reaction of an adult to danger, a person’s actions at such a moment are dictated by automatic animal instincts.

A parent can also hit a child when irritated, stressed, in a hurry, or very tired or ill. Typically, such parents understand the reasons for their behavior and answer the question “is it possible to beat children” with “no”.

Parents understand that violence towards a child is a manifestation of their own weakness. If the child is comforted after what happened and given the opportunity to restore emotional contact with an adult, then such excesses will not entail serious consequences.

It would be better, of course, for an adult not to allow himself lash out at the child in general, but unfortunately there are no ideal parents.

What happens next is a key moment showing: will the adult be able to cope with his reactions in the future or not? An adult either admits his responsibility for what happened, or shifts responsibility to the child.

In the first case, an adult understands that a breakdown on a child occurs as a result of his inability to endure strong overwhelming emotions. In the second, an adult declares the child guilty of his actions: “you don’t understand in a good way”, “is this how to talk to you, you don’t understand the words?”.

In the second case, there is a risk that violence in situations of emotional overstrain of an adult will be regularly repeated. Such parents will lash out at the child, unconsciously using the lash as a way to throw out accumulated negative feelings.

These breakdowns will continue indefinitely if they are made dependent on the behavior of the child. The child will never cope with the responsibility entrusted to him for the feelings of an adult and will not be able to provide an adult with spiritual comfort.

Often a parent begins to beat the child when he cannot stand the frustration (irritation as a result of the dissatisfaction of any need, desire). In parent-child relationships, the cause of frustration often arises when the child's behavior or the child himself does not match the adult's expectations. And the child can be very annoying to the parent.

Difficulty withstanding irritation, the tension associated with not fulfilling expectations, usually occurs in people who often experienced defenselessness in childhood. When in childhood the baby did not get what he wanted, and adults did not help him cope with frustration, tension.

As adults, such people often experience emotional hunger. They often place expectations on their child that the child will fill this emotional gap and become ideal for the parents.

But the parent inevitably faces reality and his real child. He discovers that the child cannot or does not want to live up to the ideas of what the parent thinks he should be.

Then the adult experiences the rage that he experienced in childhood, faced with the inability to get what he wants, and cannot control himself - he begins to beat the child. Such parents love the child very much and at the same time hate him very much at the moment of rage.

They cannot simultaneously experience different feelings, they were not taught in childhood to cope with mixed feelings. When they were small, when they showed aggression, they were rejected by their parents or people replacing them.

Such adults often turn out to be former children from orphanages, and sometimes even psychopaths. In a fit of rage, close to a state of passion, a person can be very dangerous, can not only beat a child, but even cripple or kill.

A child growing up in a family with such a parent runs the risk of developing victim behavior (behavior of the victim), and may be prone to addictions. And as a result of such "education" he learns to deal with his opposite feelings in the same way as his parent does. Such a child may in the future reject the parent, experiencing fear and hatred for him.

Violence can be used by a parent as a result of a strong resentment against a child because he was born at the wrong time, which is similar to his father, who greatly offended, because he did not live up to hopes, that he is sick and spoils life, frustrates plans.

If a parent, consciously or unconsciously, considers the child the cause of the loss of something vital, he experiences a lot of negative feelings for the child. And he can break out on a child out of revenge.

Subsequently, the child, regularly experiencing such an attitude towards himself, may be prone to auto-aggression, suicidal behavior. Sometimes a child interferes so much with an adult that the parent does not want the child to live. Naturally, this is rarely realized by the parent himself, but it is well felt at the unconscious level by the child.

The child, as a rule, obeys and seeks to please his mother (dad), to withdraw himself, to destroy himself. Growing up, he rarely hates and rejects the parent, rather regrets and consoles the adult in his grief and loss.

Parents can beat a child because it is accepted, "so right." In this case, we are talking about cultural traditions, upbringing and customs. These parents and families generally do not see violence as a problem.

Parents who consider physical and psychological punishment to be something normal and appropriate do not turn to psychologists for help with a request to teach them not to take it out on a child. They believe that violence against children is part of education, without which it will not be possible to raise a worthy person.

In such a family, even the child himself does not consider violence a problem. They live in an appropriate cultural environment where hitting a child is the norm. For any misconduct or failure to comply with a request / instruction, a certain punishment is imposed, usually physical, although sometimes psychological.

Psychological punishment, such as ignoring, boycott, humiliation, etc., is sometimes even more difficult for a child than physical punishment. The level of cruelty in punishment can be different.

The answer is "yes" to the question " is it okay to hit kids”, is often found in people who are emotionally insensitive, incapable of empathy with the emotional state of another person. “Sometimes you have to beat a child so that he grows up as a man!” - the maxim of such parents.

They themselves, as a rule, were brought up in the same way in childhood. Parents often do not have sufficient communication skills with the child. They lack ways and forms of interpersonal communication.

For a child who is not very sensitive in the field of emotions, such upbringing will not be very painful. The child will perceive this as part of the rules and social norms.

It can be very difficult for a sensitive child in such an environment. He will perceive physical and psychological punishment as humiliation, and will have high risk receiving psychological trauma.

Rarely enough, but still there is sadism (as a sexual deviation) in relation to the child.